Boundaries as an act of self-love

Boundaries show where one thing ends and another begins. Boundaries in a relationship are kind of like this; they help each person figure out where one person ends and the other begins. In short, boundaries help you define what you are comfortable with and how you would like to be treated by others. They apply to any kind of relationship you have – whether with a friend, family member, partner or anyone else in your life.

 

Some boundaries we set mindfully and intentionally while others we set unconsciously or at such an early age we are unaware of them. Regardless of how we acquire our boundaries, they help us navigate in the world. There are 5 types of boundaries .

Physical – Boundaries concerning our body and personal space
Examples:
-When someone sits uncomfortably close to you, you move away or say, I need a little more personal space.
-We dont keep or consume alcohol at our house.
 

Emotional – Are you always emotionally available ? Ask for your own time
Examples:
-I dont feel comfortable discussing this.
-I feel embarrassed and powerless when you chastise me in front of our kids. Id like you to stop.
 

Intellectual – Respect for others ideas and an awareness for appropriate discussion
Examples:
"I know we disagree, but I won't let you belittle me like that." "I would love to talk about this more, but I don't think talking about it during Thanksgiving dinner is the best time."
 

Financial – My money is not your money
Examples:
-Im on a budget, so I brought my lunch from home and wont be ordering lunch today.
-Please dont borrow my car without asking.
 

Time – Your time is your own time. Reclaim it with boundaries
Examples:

-I reserve my evenings for family time. I’ll respond to all work emails first thing in the morning.

-Dad, I dont have time to take you shopping this week. Ill place an order for you with the grocery delivery service.

 

Wards off burnout
Improved emotional health
Improved relationships
Clear expectation for others
Decreased stress
Improved self care abilities
Respect from others and self respect
Promotes autonomy

We may not always be aware of a boundary until someone pushes past it triggering feelings of discomfort, anxiety or anger. It can be confusing to feel such strong negative emotions and not be aware of just what elicited them. So it’s important when we have such experiences that we ask ourselves if we may have discovered something about ourselves:

Is there a boundary here that I wasn’t consciously monitoring?

What am I learning about myself?

Is there anything that I need to do to make sure that this person doesn’t cross this boundary again?

Set them early - “Sometimes it can be really hard to start putting boundaries in, especially in pre-existing relationships,” says Dr. Quinn-Cirillo. “If you can put in boundaries straight away, it’s a lot easier to work with.”
Be consistent - Letting boundaries slide can lead to confusion and encourage new expectations and demands among those around you.
Start small - If you don’t have many boundaries in place already, the prospect of introducing more might seem overwhelming — so build them up slowly.
Communicate - Communication is critical in the world of boundaries, especially if someone consistently oversteps yours. While you might need to raise your concerns, these discussions need not be confrontational.
Learn to say no – It is very important to learn the art of saying no without holding the fear of being judged or dismissed.

What one person needs may be vastly different from the other. No matter the root causes, setting boundaries means self-love. It means knowing you’re worth it and you aren’t afraid to make sacrifices to maintain health and happiness. Yes, this can feel terrifying because it may mean losing what feels like friends, job opportunities, and even the freedom to go where you please, but boundary setting will bring the right people and environments into your life because you are showing the universe you matter and you deserve to recover. Like attracts like. Shift your internal narrative and watch the external follow.